Sweetpsthoughts

Time for me

2008-06-07T18:51:00.000-07:00

Time for just me... I got my 5th tattoo today.
I have been pretty busy over the last few weeks so today was just for me. I have been planning my tattoo for a very long time. I have a (H) that is the stem of Lilies of the Valley (fav flower), A lizard, Impatient flowers, and my last dog (Hunter)s paw print. Hunters paw print was already on my low back just to the right. Today I added Bagel's paw print just above and to the left of the other one. What I like even more about this one is that there is a mouse in the middle of my back painting the paw print on. The mouse is one that my mom drew when we did art work at church. It is making me smile just knowing a piece of her is there. My tattoo artist loved the idea and had never done one like that. I hope to get picture to share but once it is healed of course.

Other then that I have been helping with Stephs wedding. Made the cake topper, Grooms cake which was a Muskie fish, altering Mandy's dress, and anything needed on the wedding day.
At work I am about to reach my four year anniversary as a PTA on the 14th. That of course means review time. September will be six years with the company too. Not to worried about the review. I reach my goals pretty much every month except the ten weeks I missed due to shoulder surgery. Don't think I can get in trouble for that!!!
Just this past week I have started two short term projects at Work. The Waterford WI area is pretty small and I had told my boss I wanted to get involved more with the community. That was about a month ago and then right after that a woman from a Senior living home stopped in to see if there was any way a therapist would come to their place and teach some excersises. I have set up with them to go every other Tuesday from 11-12 for six weeks to teach simple stretches and strengthening. We met this week for the first time. Very sweet people and full of hugs too.:)
On top of that program Racine County has a Fall Prevention program that we are hosting for seven Thursdays in a row. This too started this week. I only need to teach at three of the sessions though. Two to go! This progam is very nice. It is only $10 to join which pays for handouts and weights. My only problem with it was when they show up I have to rearrange my clinic. Oh well.
So all that was on top of also seeing patients all day. Sometimes the clinic is slower but of course not now. We are seeing someone about every 15-30 minutes and most patients are with me for a hour to a hour and a half. BUSY WEEK! :)
Yesterday I only worked till one which still put me into overtime. I then drove to Kenosha to get my divorce paperwork. Court date is 08-08-08. Strange!!!
Tomorrow will be fun. Heading down to Mandy's to go with her and a friend to Chicago. We are meeting one more friend to see Wicked then dinner. Really I am just happy to get Garretts popcorn. :)
Thats it for now.

Holy Cow!

2008-04-13T20:57:00.000-07:00

I doubt anyone even looks at this blog anymore since it has been over a year since I have been in to update it. I suck!!! Well it has been over a year since I moved out on my own. I have been through a lot over this past year like everyone else probably has. The biggest thing is still the moving on alone.
It has been very hard not having someone at home to talk to and their warm arms to curl in. I really miss having my husband by my side but I know that it has acctually been way longer than this past year since we were really at each others side. Our marriage has not been mean or angry but just void. I think I deserve to be with someone that wants to love me and be with me. Someone that wants to share their thoughts and heart. I don't think I ever got Jims heart but only because he was not able to give it. If he wanted me over this past year he could have put some effort into letting me know what I meant to him. It hurts so much that I spent eleven years with someone and barely a tear was shed by him when I said that we need to move on. How unlovable am I?
Over the year I have continued to bring my dog over to Jim for him to help in her care as well as my dumb hope those moments of seeing me would bring Jim to his senses. Why would I do that to myself? I can't count to times I left his house to head to my apartment crying. My thoughts being again he just sat there and didn't say how much he missed me and loves me. DUMB!!!!!!!!!
We have now put in for a divorce. I just think of the Johnny Cash song "Burn". It has been a long time coming and needs to be done but my heart BURNS BURNS BURNS. I love parts of him and always will! I want to be happy on the inside.
All I think is that so many other people are going through so much more and no one needs to hear me complain. There are worse things in the world then a hurting heart. Helping others get through what is hurting them helps me get through the day.

Tired

2007-04-09T16:29:00.000-07:00

It has been a long last couple of weeks. The week I was going to start moving my sister needed to stay over at the house due to her assistants were on vacation. POOR MANDY!!! She went to work with me everyday. All my patients loved her! (Of Course) We(Me, Marie, Mandy) went to the apartment that Wednesday to clean then Friday we started moving me in. I owe Marie my life for the DEEP cleaning she did in the kitchen cabinets. Wood and cooking oil do not go good together!
By Sunday night I was exhausted. Worked the next week which was long but not bad. The hard part was getting used to bringing Bagel to the house so Jim can see and take care of her in the evenings. Not sure how it will work long term but I would have to have someone take Bagel out each evening otherwise.
Then this past weekend...
Bachlorette party Friday night. Home at 1:00am. The girls slept over and I got in trouble for the dogs(Bagel & Diva) barking non stop when we were gone. They are fine when we were there but apparently they are obnoxious once they are alone together. I sent out my deepest apology to all my new neighbors on Saturday.
Saturday morning...30 minute drive to Mandy's early to drop her and the dogs off at her place and Lisa at work. Then to my dads by 9:00am to get my brakes replaced. Once done there at 1:00pm run get Bagel and go back 30 minutes to the vet by my place because Bagel has a bladder infection and needed antibiotics. Then back another 30 minutes to Mandy's to get ready for the most fun 50Th birthday party. Had a wonderful time and celebrate the life so far of a wonderful man!!! Back to Mandy's then home again. 30 minutes of course.
Sunday I slept in a little but just till 8am so I could get down to Mandy's and to Dad's by 12:30-1:00pm for Easter. We had a wonderful meal and watched some movies. We got to spend time with Lisa again once she was done with work. Mandy to bed and I went home again. It felt so good to lay down by then and my right eye had been bugging me since Friday so closing it put me right to sleep.
I am still tired and getting used to all the changes in my life but know that I have MANY people around me that are very supportive and love me. I will have to post some pics of the new place soon. I actually have a craft/art room and a hallway!!! I also like that my bed only touches one wall vs. three!!!

It is going to be a good thing...

2007-03-23T16:10:00.000-07:00

It is going to be a good thing that I am moving out. I have decided I can not stay where I am any longer. I will be moving with my Bagel Dog on April 1st to an apartment. My husband and I have tried counceling and may continue but we are seperating to see if we can try to work things out or not.
When I told him I was leaving and found a place he was very calm (TO CALM) and asked me if I was taking the dog. We have been going over the "who gets what" details and taking each day at a time. The new place is less than five minutes from where I was living and He will be caring for Bagel during the weekdays due to my work hours are to long to make her wait to go out.
I look forward to haveing friends and family over soon to see where I am.

Past month

2007-02-04T15:11:00.000-08:00

One month has passed. Short and sweet... I am in counseling for my marriage. We have been together for ten years and married seven. I am not sure where this will lead us and if we are heading there together. Time will tell. Only a few sessions in and topics have made me think even more. I only wish I knew what my husband was thinking. He is known for being pretty quiet but he is around ME too! Sometimes even more. He just turned 39 on 2-2-07. I hoped with age would come more ability to interact with others for him. How much longer can I sit in silence?

me at super dawg

2007-01-03T22:10:00.000-08:00

I was told I look tough in this picture. I took it myself but did not think it was bad. What do you think?

One of the views from our room in Tenn.

2007-01-02T20:42:00.000-08:00

It was beautiful!!!

2007-01-02T20:40:00.000-08:00

Steph and the 200 year old fireplace

2007-01-02T20:37:00.000-08:00

2006

2007-01-02T20:02:00.000-08:00

What a year!!! It is 2007. How did that happen? One moment I am laughing and playing a game with friends in 2006 them POOF it becomes a whole different year!
Well for me I hope this is a better year that the last... Not that 2006 was terrible. Many good times and memories came about last year. The last few months were busy and fun. I got to take a trip to Tennessee with Mandy and Steph. What fun!!! Not sure how smart it is to climb a 200 year old fireplace, but why else would it be there? I really needed to get away and they were perfect people to help me forget my worries.
Club Jr got together for our Christmas celebration. I am not good at acting out "The Night Before Christmas" but I laugh so hard as Steph reads it that I enjoy it each year. Reminds me of very good times with my mother and her wonderful friends that made up the original Club girls.
Church services we saw on Christmas Eve were fantastic!!! Even Jim seemed amazed by all that was done at Willow. Over to Dads for dinner after church. We had a wonderful time and so did the four dogs that were there.
Christmas morning... Bagel burger assembly. Somehow reminds me of the days working in a factory. My Brother got to my sisters at 7am ready to assemble and be "quality control". Forty-eight sandwiches later we left for Aunt Barbs. Not all the family was there but Molly, Mike, and Brock got to be there with us. Due to bad weather in the way of their flight to Colorado. YEAH!!!!! :)
Katie was there with the kids(kick in my heart). Aunt Barb and Pete with their new piercing. If you ask me they deserve to do ANYTHING they want. For all they do for others and all they have been through. YOU GO GIRL...And guy!!!
Well, that brings me to new years. Dropped Jim off at a friends then came home to ring in the new year with Mandy, Marie, and Allison (AKA Lisa). It was a wonderful night of card games and made up board games like when Mandy and I were small.
I hope everyone has great memories of last year and will continue collecting them in this new year!!!

2006-11-19T18:52:00.000-08:00

Some may think it is mean to dress up a dog but HOW CUTE IS BAGEL? She actually seems to enjoy wearing her PJ's. She has a red pair too. When I tell her it time for her PJ's and I am holding them she runs up to me and lets me put them on. Oh and yes I am the one who cuts her hair! She is pretty calm and stays still for it. The hard part is her face due to the fact that she thinks to sissors are a toy. There for wants to bite at them. Silly girl!!!

Me and my Aunt in the Bean

2006-11-19T18:13:00.000-08:00

Chicago

2006-11-19T18:06:00.000-08:00

Last weekend I had a chance to catch up with one of my Aunts. We had been trying to get together and our scheduled did not match. Finally...They did. I caught a train in Fox Lake IL. on Saturday morning. Thinking I would just relax till I got to her station I sat back and started my I Pod. Then the strangest thing happened. I saw a friend that I have lost touch with for the past year. She had been living in Chicago but has been staying with family and commuting for work. I watched her get on the train and then joined her. It was so nice to talk and the ride flew by. My Aunt joined us about half way downtown. We got to talk about so many things and what we have been up to.
Once in Chicago we went for breakfast then walked around. Saw the sights including Millennium Park and Navy Pier. My Aunt was the perfect person to go to a sculpture exhibit. It was amazing to see how talented and weird artists are. Some of the art was so detailed I just wanted to stare at it. Others made me just wonder what they were thinking when it was created. All the art was for sale but I forgot to bring money and the cheapest thing was around $3000. Most of it was WAY more! I still can't figure out what my favorite thing was. To hard, just way to hard!
After a wonderful day we caught the train back that was a few minutes late. Finally off our feet and relaxed and continued talking. I had a awesome time!!!
Till... Around libertyville...Train stopped for 35 minutes! I was trying to get back on time so I could meet up with friends for a movie. I made it! Not sure how though. I got off the train 40 minutes late at 6:45pm; drove 15 minutes north to my home to let my dog out. Got back in the car and drove a hour to Deer Park for the movie at 8:00pm.
All together a great day!!!

2006-11-18T11:21:00.000-08:00

2006-11-16T18:43:00.000-08:00

Before Hair Cut... She looks so sad!!!

me

2006-11-05T15:14:00.000-08:00

I actually like this Picture. :)

Birthdays

2006-11-02T19:41:00.000-08:00

I recieved a birthday card last year and hoped it was not true. On it was written "this will be your best Birthday ever" Some would just read it and say oh how nice. Not me. With my twisted mind it made me think that that would be my BEST EVER birthday and all birthdays after would be worse.
I have laughed about that a few times and am glad it was not true. Yesterday was my Birthday and even though I had to work it was one of the best days I have had in a while. I went out the night before with a friend to just have a drink and celebrate my last hours of being 30. Well after a couple drinks and a wonderful conversation it was almost midnight. He did not have to twist my arm to get me to have another drink and stay to welcome in my 31st Birthday. I am so glad I did and the entire bar sang to me. Cheers and dancing. It was so much fun!!! I finally got home at about two in the morning. Slept for about four hours then got up for work.
On my way to work I had calls and tx messages from friends and family. Helped wake me up and smile some more. I worked at two locations on Wednesday and my co-workers and my patients gave me cards and a gifts. I thank them all for their kindness.
After work I met up with two of my long time friends I worked with years ago. We get together once and a while to catch up. Had a nice dinner and good conversation. I miss seeing them everyday and love to enjoy there company.
After dinner talked some more with one of the friends as the other had to get home. I then went home and snuggled on the couch with my Bagel Dog.
So it was a wonderful Birthday and I look forward to trying to top it every year!!!

2006-08-18T16:47:00.000-07:00

Can I just float away on a cloud?

ANGRY!!!!!!!!

2006-08-18T16:39:00.000-07:00

I do not understand people!!! I found out (and can't stop thinking about it) that someone from my company is talking about me. I was pulled aside by my boss and told that I need to be careful what I say and to who. He would not tell me ANY details. Just that he did not believe what he heard and defended me.
Why the hell can't people just do their damn job and go home. Some people have to make trouble for others. Does this make them feel better? Do they just hate everyone or are they just out for me?

Painted sky

2006-08-11T19:14:00.000-07:00

I took this picture the other night. I am just amazed at each beautiful sunset I see.

When I get where I'm going

2006-08-11T18:42:00.000-07:00

I love this song and when I sing it I alter the words slightly to fit me. It makes me cry every time I hear it and makes me love it even more!

By Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton

When I get where I am going
On the far side of the sky
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly
I'm gonna land beside a lion
And run my fingers through his mane
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here

I'm gonna walk with my momma
And she'll match me step for step
And I'll tell her how I missed her
Every minute since she left
Then I'll hug her neck

Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here

So much pain and so much darkness
In this world we stumble through
All these questions I can't answer
So much work left to do

But when I get where I'm going
And see my makers face
I'll stand forever in the light
Of his amazing grace

Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears

Hallelujah

I will love and have no fear
When I get where I'm going

I continue to miss my mom and struggle with wanting to be a mom. I had yet another attempt of insemination fail me this week. I try to understand how so many people that should not have children or don't want them have do trouble. I have been trying one way or another for almost five years! Am I to give up? Can I afford to continue trying?
All I can do is pray God hears my tears.

The Fair

2006-07-29T09:12:00.000-07:00

We (Me, Jim, Mandy, Renee, Marie, Dad, and Gail) went to the Racine County Fair last night! Fun time. Jim won me a Clown fish by popping balloons and Mandy played her sport "The Ducks". You know the ones where you pick a duck and see what number is on the bottom. She did so good. She won a little bear at one then two Lambs at the other. Bagel our dog is now the proud owner of the clown fish. :)

2006-07-29T08:46:00.000-07:00

My spare time...

2006-07-26T19:26:00.000-07:00

I thank my mom for my life and gifts that she left me. In my spare time one of the things I like to do is a wide aray of crafts. When my cousin Molly was to be married she wanted a more personal top for her cake. She asked me if I could make something. "Sure" I would figure it out. I got out my "sculpey" clay and made a cute bride and groom that were similar to them is dress and hair. Since then I have done many via word of mouth. I thought you would like to see what one looks like. I made this one just two weeks ago and took about five hours to do. I had pictures and descriptions to follow. I just think it is a nice way to remember a special day. I also make little baby figurines for showers.

2006-07-26T02:40:00.000-07:00

My musical snippets

2006-07-01T12:11:00.000-07:00

My sister is known for her ability to remember lyrics and her beautiful voice. I am NOT! I have an OK voice but a terrible memory for lyrics. I thought I would write out the "Stream of Lyrics" I do know. Here I go!

.... ...... ..Pepper..............The Farmer and the Dell..........I go walking after midnight ...............I lift my voice................. Holy Holy.... ......B-A-G-E-L---- B-A-G-E-L and bagel is her name O......... Dumb dog why are you following me... .......Silent night holy night..... ........

Yeah that's it for now!

Hope you enjoyed that! :)

Vegas or bust

2006-07-01T11:48:00.000-07:00

Back From Vegas!!! I had a good time and came out almost even with my gambling. I would definitely take a flight that was non-stop next time. It is too hard to deal with the transfers of the wheelchair and Mandy. I do not like rushing down the halls of the airport hoping we get to the next flight in time.
The weather was great. About 114 degrees and sunny. I only got a little tan due to being in and out of all the hotels and shops. My favorite stop was the M&M World shop. Two stories of M&M stuff. For those that do not know I love the Yellow M&M character. I do not eat them often but he is my favorite and I bought a few things for myself when I was in there. :) The girls thought I was silly when I came out with a big smile on my face.
Saturday was fun walking and walking and walking... But we saw wonderful places and had a lot of laughs. That night we saw the water show and met up with my favorite Stephanie. That made my day. I have not seen enough of her in the past months and got a hug I really needed. THANKS!!!
Sunday was fun at the pool and in the sun. Then on to more walking. Good times and lots of stops at Starbucks. During the trip I played the slots at a few places but the best time was just Mandy and I playing and going for Bread Pudding and Grits at about 1 in the morning.
Monday was when we stopped at the highest Starbucks and then waited a hour for the accessible cab to head for the airport. I am not at liberty to go into to much detail about the flight and what happened but I will say... The wheelchair was missing parts and I was missing my luggage by the time we got back to Chicago. All is being worked out and I have all my luggage back. I finally got home at 2 am Tuesday and slept.

Tomorrow is the NINE year anniversary of my mother going home to the Father. I want to cry, be alone, be together, laugh, look forward, look back, and get her back!

2006-07-01T11:23:00.000-07:00

Mandy and I at "The Top of the World".

The Wind in my Hair...

2006-06-11T20:09:00.000-07:00

I have lived in my house for just shy of eight years and today something amazing happened. For the first time in those 8 years my father met me at my house "on the Harley" so we could go for a ride. I had a great time!!! Growing up Harley rides were a big part of my time with my dad. We would say to my mom we were going to go fill'er up with gas and a few hours and at least one tank full of gas later we would be home. I miss that time and was very happy to have that today.

News post

2006-06-10T16:28:00.000-07:00

I have been working in the same company for four and a half years but only two as a Physical Therapist Assistant. Thursday was my review with the owner of the company. Just so you know I take after my father is a bad way. I make my self sick to the stomach and raise my blood pressure when I am nervous. So, I was unable to sleep Wednesday night and felt sick most of Thursday. My medications just made that so much more fun!! :)
I met at 9am for the review and sat in a newly renovated conference room with the owner of the company across from me. Deep breath and off we went. He started by asking me "How can I make sure you want to stay with this company in the future?" I relaxed after that! We continued to cover points of the year and my accomplishments for the year. Then he noted I have not taken a vacation in over a year and had only one sick day. I agreed and reminded him I will be leaving for Vegas on the 23rd. He asked details about the trip and how the fertility battle was going. (He is a very family oriented Italian man) Somewhere during our talk he stopped and said "You know what, I am going to give you some extra cash for you and your trip. You deserve a good time. You don't even have to tell your husband, have a good time." WOW!!! I could not believe it. He gave me over a thousand dollars to just have fun!!! Well, we ended the meeting with a hearty hand shake and a smile on my face. Oh, I also got a 8% raise.
So that tells you work for me is going well and then yesterday Jim came home and said he got a 75cent increase per hour for his job as a heavy equipment driver at a concrete company. Things are looking up.
I went and met up with friends and family last night to see the movie CARS. Very cute and a wonderful time.
My back is still a issue and I hope it is better for the big trip. I am at least able to move and perform my job but it gets tight from sitting and I am limited with rotation. It is not causing numbness in my left thigh now though. Slowly improving and I at least work in a field I can have co-workers help me. I know all the right things to strengthen my back again. Just takes time. It was good for so long it will be good again!

June bugs and summer time

2006-06-04T21:34:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it is already June! I had a somewhat relaxing weekend. I was not home the past two weekends so it was nice to relax.
Two weeks ago I got a chance to drive about 3 hours to see my friends Robyn, Brian, Tyler, and Tanner. As well as Brians folks. I was there from Friday to Sunday and had a wonderful time with everyone. One of the best parts had to be... I was named Princess by Tanner as we played in a playground and were climbing through the towers. How sweet!
Last weekend I went camping. Jim's first time staying in a tent. :) We met up with many friends and went four wheeling. The weather was hot but when you are going 30-40mph it does not feel bad. I had hurt my back earlier in that week so I tried to take it easy. That was hard to do but I made it home alive and my back is only sore. Jim and I do not see eachother very much so it was nice to be that close for some time.
Work is going well. Summer is always a little slow at work but I think it is due to people try to avoid surgery and Therapy in the summer. They like to have procedures done so they can enjoy the warm weather. We will still see alot of people but I was treating 13 to 20 patients a day.
Well, summer is on it's way. The June bugs are out and the weather is looking up! Myself and three other girlies are heading to Vegas soon. We leave in just under three weeks. It should be a great time.

Easter is almost here!

2006-04-12T09:44:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter!

I would have to say Easter is usually my favorite holiday. It should be the most important time for any believer. I know this year is going to be hard due to so many things going on in the world. May it be in each of our small worlds or the world in it's entirety. To think that God sent his son to die for me and everyone in the world...It's hard to grasp. Remember he is there for all of us.
I am going to miss being with many of my family members this year. Some will be out of town and I will still be celebrating with them. Maybe a "Peep" show at each house?

2006-04-07T15:18:00.000-07:00

I love my little Bagel Dog!!! Isn't she the cutest?

Right now I am taking care of my niece (Bagels cousin) Diva because they shared the day being fixed. :( Both are doing well, just tender.

2006-04-05T09:27:00.000-07:00

Stop telling me...

2006-04-03T10:57:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a long time...yet again. I do look at other blogs but not mine. I did not think anyone was reading it anyway. I have heard different lately. I think at least 12 people told me within the past week I need to write.
Well, here I am again. I have been struggling with my feelings and lack of control of what goes on around me. I am STILL NOT pregnant. I am not stressing out at this moment but we will see in June. My doctors were not happy with how I would progress each month so they started me on a additional pill. NOT FUN! I have to take it three times a day and it effects my GI tract. The doctors reason is it will block the production of insulin in my system that is limiting how my cells develop. I have to wait till my June cycle to try again with insemination. That is what I am up to with that.
Work wise I am doing good. I have to brag a little because I never have a reason to. I was nominated for Physical Therapist of the year in Wisconsin. I do not believe any one in my company has every been before so I thought it was a big deal. The owner (in charge of my raise) was pleased too.
PS: I love my sister!!!!

I'm back

2006-01-06T21:55:00.000-08:00

WOW time has been going by too fast. When did the year get here? I have been so busy with work and Fertility STUFF that I have not been around. The holidays were a whirlwind of activity as always. I think I had a few moments to sit and relax. It was a hard year for me as I know it was for so many others.
I have now gone through two trials of insemination and started the third to find it not working out for the month of December. Which with all the Christmas activity may have been for the best. For this month (January) I am not even going to try due to the stress, money, and Jim is out of a job. Yes as of today Jim is in the market for a new job. He had been working for a small excavating company for almost a year and they told him this afternoon that they needed to let him go.
So, after the approximately $10,000.00 dollars out of pocket we spent through last year on infertility we are still just waiting for the right time and for God to bless us. I knew I was getting to stressed to continue for now when I walk out of the doctors office and can only make it about ten feet down the hall before I stop and break down in tears! I keep telling myself "it will all be worth it, God will provide and I just need to be patient" Well that is not helping!!! I am not a crier! I do not cry at movies and I tend to hold it all inside till I pop. I POPPED!!! I have had so many tears over so many little things it is making me sick. I look at a little child going through the store with their mom and/or dad and I keep having to hold back tears. I wonder if the people I see even know how lucky they are. The next time someone has the audacity to say to me "why don't you take my kids, then you won't want any" I am going to kick their ass. I don't find it funny it just pisses me off. I needed to get that out.
Well, we will see if February looks better overall. Depends on Jim's job status, my stress level, and the money in my account.
Later...

another month

2005-11-14T10:52:00.000-08:00

Sorry I have not been keeping up. I have been on to readother Blogs but not time enough to write.
Holidays are coming... like you did not know. This is going to be hard this year. With Laurie gone and the extended family heading to Texas; I feel a little lost. Jim will be gone for the entire week and his family does not get together for Thanksgiving. That leaves my sister and I to only seeing Dad and their clan. I am sure we will have a wonderful time but it will be very different.
I know Mandy wants to get her tree up ASAP and we may do that on Thanksgiving or the day after in the evening. I love watching Mandy dress the tree, but it can be dangerous! She throws the non-breakable ones at the tree and hope they stick.
Some may want to know how I am doing with the fertility STUFF. Well, I am going to have my second round of "treatment" on Sunday. Please pray that it will be the last and that I keep reminding myself that God is in charge. My heart does not feel like it can take more months of hearing I'm not pregnant. it has been a long and full four years.
Wish me luck and God bless.

another week gone and getting close to 30

2005-10-21T11:10:00.000-07:00

I was on drugs this past weekend and into the week 5days all together. They were to increase my hormones and I apologize to all I was around because they did! Every woman should know what I mean when I say "I was driving and telling myself don't be mad at Jim for the way he is breathing next to me it is just me and he is not doing it to piss me off". I went back in forth with my mood and I know it much of been anoying to others. SORRY! :( It is for the greatter good though!:)
I had a wonderful time on horseback my Stuff-a-knee (AKA Stephanie). It was her first ride. A day late but it was beautiful out. We were givin a discount due to it was to busy when we met on Saturday. We returned at 9am on Sunday and enjoyed the morning. I hope that Steph did not mind the forward bow her horse made with her on as it stetched. she stayed on the whole time and both of us were able to walk when we were done. :) My moments with just Steph are far and few between so it was wonderful to have that time together!!!!
After not getting to ride on Saturday we met up at Mandy's and shopped. FUN TIME. Thank you both for all you do for me and loving me even when I an CRAZY.
Congratulations to my co-worker Jen!!!! She is movinginto her new home TODAY!!!! I am so happy for her and had to pass that on.

What a life she has!!!

2005-10-13T16:51:00.000-07:00

Well, I want to start by saying my sister needs a break! If you are reading this you most likely read her blog. I think everyone needs to look at their own life and say "I can get through this!" It is a wonderful thing that God is in charge and will only give us what we can handle. My Father told Mandy once that people put a lot on her shoulders because they are small and things will just roll off, but she just keeps carrying everything. Those shoulders are not made to carry such a load! She is always willing to help anyone in anyway she can. She deserves to find more people that will help her without making her feel like some sort of burden. I know I have been one of those people many times and I need to say "SORRY". I wish I had a way of helping Mandy more. I want to say "Mandy you never have to worry again who will help you up and when they will be there..." Even my own husband does not seem to get how hard it can be to live a Fairie Princess life. Yea, she doesn't have to do the cooking and cleaning but has anyone put themselves in her shoes(not her actual shoes they are REALLY small) and tried to go through even part of a day or activity. I do not think Mandy is brave for living her life, but I do think her ability to look past those needs is inspirational!
Well now that I got that out... I am doing good and continue to go through the infertility process. Step by step I get more anxious. I keep praying to God that he is with me and my thoughts stay focused. I took a class at the woman's retreat that really hit home. The speaker told her story of how she felt when she found she was pregnant and the miscarriage she had gone through. Her story matched mine very close. By the end I was in tears and reminded that God has bigger plans. I have only been seeing and focused on what I want and want now. It helped me remember that: God is not ignoring my desire to be a mom but he knows when I should be a mom. I pray that as my next doctor appointments continue I remember that.

Thank you!

2005-09-19T20:06:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful weekend. It was busy, to short, and I am very sore now. You ask how that could be wonderful? Well, I spent Friday night at my sisters house where I played with three cute kids. I got another chance to have "Craft time with Heidi". It was a simple craft of melting crayon shavings between wax paper but a lot of fun to watch the kids create. They made me laugh and giggle as they slid around on Mand's new floor. I too feel lucky that Katie trusts me to be one of the people influence her children's lives. Thank you Katie and I hope you were able to enjoy the time to breath.
We all spent the night at Mand's Friday then I headed to my friend's house to help them move. I am still not happy about it (for my sake) , but I am very happy for them. After packing up the two trucks and enclosed trailers we headed up to the new house. We had a fun drive with water/skittle fights and great talking with Robyn. Once we got to the house we started unloading but needed to stop due to darkness and hunger. After a yummy dinner together and cards we headed to bed.
Morning came a bit to soon and then more unloading. Even that was fun to me. It was nice working together and learning their plans for the new houses. After the trucks and trailers were empty we relaxed. I loved hearing the stories of the family and I got to know Brian's Mom and Dad so much better. They are a wonderful and caring clan. I can't wait till I will be able to visit them again.
I was very tired by the time I got home but it is a good (I worked and played hard) kind of tired.
I hope that all the people I spend time with know how much they mean to me and how the time together makes me feel alive!!!
Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1/2 a year, 6 months, or 186 days

2005-09-02T08:26:00.000-07:00

How ever you count it out it is still hard to beleive our Laurie girl is not here! I miss her every day and I am mad that she is already with my Mother. We will never know how she could feel and why she ended a life that looked on the outside so filled with joy. From the Blogs and stories I have heard Laurie touched thousands of lives through life and death. May we all touch the hearts of every person around us. Lauries smile was so wide and inviting but even a hello can warm a heavy heart.
Smile at each person you come in come incontact with today. Share a warm hello. Ask your freinds how they REALLY are!
May God bless you all!

Today and Yesterday

2005-09-01T10:27:00.000-07:00

I can not believe it has been almost a full month since I was here. I have been reading my other family members blogs but by the time I would finish it would be late and I could not get to mine. I really need a better computer so I can go on-line at home. I have only been on at work either during lunch or after I am done. I do have plans of changing that soon. I have some money coming my way which would be wise to use toward all the medical bills. No. I think it should be used for something I want and not what I have to pay for.
Speaking of the medical stuff... I con't to move forward. I will need blood thinners once pregnant due to the factor 5 gene mutation I have. It causes my blood to thicken and could be a risk for me and a baby. I am getting very excited and trying to not stress out. My hours are changing for work, My friends are moving in a few weeks, I am making many calls to get everything set up, and I bought a new(used) car.
The world is going through so much right now my life seems so tiny and unimportant. I keep hearing the news and how some people are stealing and taking advantage of the homes and businesses that are in disarray. It is sad!!! We need to help others and be on the same team. Why are people like that? I say it is Satan having fun. He loves when we act that way and do not love our neighbor the God wants us to. Don't think of the rising gas prices today... Think of how we can help all those that are suffering and seeking refuge.
God is our shelter through the storms of life.

Remember every moment

2005-08-02T16:51:00.000-07:00

I know that most of my family are using the blogging to help get out what is in their heart and mind but I have not been able to get to that. I miss my little cousin Laurie with all my heart. I do!!! I keep thinking of all the holidays we (girlie cousins) played together. How many plays and programs do you think we put together every year? I am the oldest of all the girls and that in some ways I feel left out. I have so many memories but there was almost 9 years between Laurie and myself. In the last years we had started to get together to have what we call "Jr. Club" consisting of sisters (you know the blood related and non-blood related variety) This was giving me the oportunity to finally reconnect with the sisters that I had not been close to for a few years. Laurie took that away from me! I remember the last Jr. Club. She and I talked about our life's and her new fiance. Went over school and plans for the future. I know we left with I love you but I wish I had told her how much I love her and that she had so much to offer the world. One of the last Laurie memories I hold dear was a LGYC. It was late at night and there she was. At the camps Hoe Down. I watched everyone that night laughing and dancing as the square dance was called. I probably watched Laurie the most though! She had this glow about her as her hair whipped around while spinning and falling down laughing a few times. She made me feel like dancing! I do not want to miss out on my other sister's life's and to regret a lost word. May we each say what we mean and how we feel to the ones we love!

Lastly my update:
Well, more Dr appointments for me. I have to see a Dr due to the fact I am a High Risk patient. My history with blood clots; I found out today was not all just chance happening. There is a mutation (no I am not an alien) in my blood that makes it want to clot and not break up. What does this mean? Before and durring a pregnancy I will need to be monitored and on blood thinners. Not to big of a worry to me just irritating that I have to see yet another Dr. to get that worked out first. May I get in soon to see the Dr. and all go well! :)

Pray for...

2005-07-26T16:47:00.000-07:00

I will start this today with asking for my family and friends to pray for a dear friend Brian. He is in the hospital where Dr's believe he has a type of "staph" infection. He had a temp of 104 when entering the third hospital in a week. They are not sure of the cause as of yet but are testing and treating him the best they know how at Rush Medical Center. He continues to have pain in his back and Knee that are unexplained. Medications have only had limited ability to mask his pain at this time. I hope to hear more from his wife "Robyn" as things are figured out but I would love prayers for Brian, Robyn, and their son's Tyler and Tanner; as well as his and her family's.

As for my continued struggle with Dr's and Jim in the pursuit of children... I am reminded again that it is all in Gods time. We had more blood work done and one more test to go. 13 vial's of my blood later I left the hospital last week. We are at a point of our final choice of invitro with Jim or going to a donor procedure. The choice "I feel" is more so up to Jim. The child we have will be ours and loved "with all the families hearts" no matter how we are blessed.

The biggest issue is money of course. It will cost over $10,000 out of pocket each try with invitro but more in the $1,000 range with a donor. OUCH!!! I want to make sure Jim is sure with his decision and to know the money spent will be well worth it. I am a bit afraid of the pain I would go through to do the invitro procedure "that makes me lean toward donor".

How is one to know what to do? I sure don't know! I can not choose for Jim but he does not want to either. Someone tell me not to stress myself. God give me strength!!!

Time

2005-07-19T15:54:00.000-07:00

I knew I would be bad at writing but I will keep trying.
I wish I could have helped lift my amazing family up while they made their 20 mile walk on Saturday. I had all of you in my thoughts and prayers that day-night-day. I felt bad that I was not there cheering you on but not sure how I would even find you along to large crowd. I hope all went well and everyone's feet were light.
I am able to write today and try to catch up with all that is going on in and with me. It has been over a month since I wrote. WOW! What has been going on? I have been working, spending time with friends, and having fun.
Summer has been good and hot. Fireworks with friends. Went to Summerfest with the girls. Spent time with Dad on his boat to stay cool. I had so much fun swimming with Steph and Dad and Bagel(dog). It was Bagels first swim and she did really good!
I have to say "I love Hobby Lobby". If you know me, you know that store has everything a Heidi can want to craft and create. I say this because I found a new one in Kenosha which is about 20 min from me. I got lost in the new store for almost 3 hours by myself. By the time I called Jim to let him know where I was by heart was racing in excitement. It was very good for my soul!!! :)
I finally got the results of the long awaited tests Jim and I needed to proceed with our infertility battle. We will not be going to the Doctor on 7-20 to take another step forward. I am nervous and excited to see what all will come out of this day.
My thoughts of the chance to become a Mother is overwhelming.

Missing Mommy

2005-06-30T09:26:00.000-07:00

This is a hard week for me and I know it is for most of my family. Saturday (7-2) will be the 8 year(WOW, can you believe 8yrs?) anniversary of my Mother leaving us to be with her FATHER in heaven. I have not had a day that she has not been in my mind, heart, and life. When I take a step back and look at this entire week it hits me how much has happened.
For me My last day with my Mom was wonderful. It was a Friday (6-27-97) . Odd that we both had a wedding that night, but different couples. We got up and worked on some art projects. Mom was finishing the last touches on the painting that was to be a gift that now hangs in Lil' Phils house. We always had a habbit of doing final checks on eachothers work to see if any detail was left.
Once done we decided to go for brunch at Around the Clock. We talked and laughed for a couple hours. We talked about the future and my 6 month relationship with a man named Jim.(now my husband). Discussed so much and such deep thoughts it is to much to write. Then we headed to WalMart (my mothership!!!) That year was the start of self scans throughout the store to check a price. Those of you who know mom will be able to picture this pretty good. She grabbed an armful of small objects like hair clips. She then proceeded to scan and throw each item at me and laugh. God, I can still hear her laugh! It was just HER! That silly, giant hearted, God loving, child that everyone wanted to be around. I want to be like her!!! You? We even looked at engagement rings that day just to see what I liked. Cool.
Back at the house and time for me to head out... Mom helped me get dressed, Painted my nails, pulled up my hair, and walked me to my Jeep. As we hugged for the last time she told me she loved me and wished me a safe trip up North. Then said "see you soon!"
I left and went to the wedding then up north for a vacation with Jim. Jim and I had been fighting on the trip and decided to cut it short by two days. We came home on 7-3-97. Messages on the answering machine and notes on the door, something was very wrong. Forty minute drive to find my mother gone and a entire family in tears.
The year after that I had to put my dog Pumpkin down that had been a true friend for 13 years. She held on for that first year of loss I feel just to help me through. So, this week does suck and I think of (6-27 last day with Mom)(6-28 passing of Pumpkin)(7-2 Passing of Mom)(7-3 day I came home).
Each year I think of these days. I do cry but I also remember. I am so lucky to have had every moment with my loved ones. That reminds my to enjoy the moments with all the ones here and make sure they will have good memories of ME too!!! :)

Fragile

2005-06-24T21:20:00.000-07:00

I have been told many , many times that if you give me a Q-Tip, rubberband, and some tape I can make anything. Right now I feel like I am made on those things but someone pulled the tape off that was holding me together. Not sure why, but I hve been in a deeper funk this week. Thursday was not a bad day all together. I got up and went to work in Waterford WI. I spent time with my patients and the Personal Care Coordinator(PCC)(Jen). I feel she and I have become friends and I hope she feels that way. We laughed and talked of our families.
Then I went for my 35min drive to a meeting. Good one!!! Our boss and owner of the company gave us all an I-Pod and Starbucks card. VERY COOL!
I think I fried myself in the 90something weather as I drove back. So far pretty good day!
Worked till 5:30ish then started home. This is when it changed. I only have a couple friends that I feel REALLY close to. You know the ones that know everything about you or at least more than most. Well, I decided to return a call to one of those friends(Robyn). She then informed me that she is moving. 3-4 hours away. That means that her and her husband (Brian)that are BOTH my closest friends and their two children (Tyler & Tanner) are moving. I tried to sound happy for them as see gave me the details ,but after I hung up I broke. I could not stop crying. I don't want then to go and be so far away. I know that I can still keep in touch and travel to see them but it hurts me. I think this just adds on to the LONG list of things I think about every moment I am awake. Miss: Mom,Grandma, Grandpa, Laurie, My dog Hunter. Thoughts of tring to start my family, pay for the infertility crap, Pay the bills, Figure out why my car is not running right, What can I aford to drive safe, My Marriage, the House, Job, and all the little stuff. So much and so little time.

Every day there is more to think about and deal with but I do know I need Gods help to deal with every aspect of my life. We have to let him carry us now and then so we make it through. God is there for us.

May my friends remind me that when I forget and I will do that for them also.

Friends

2005-06-14T16:25:00.000-07:00

I keep thinking about how little I thank my friends. Not for something they do or for giving something, but for being my friend too! I know I can be just as weird or weirder than the next guy. I have some of the best friends. They will stand by my side and even hold me up. When I am down they will listen to me or just let me cry. My friends can make me laugh and laugh with me. So, I take this time to say "THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND". May I help make your life a little easier and interesting as time goes by so you may con't to be my friend.

The Begining

2005-06-09T23:06:00.000-07:00

Today I decided I will join the BLOG train. I am not sure how this will work for me or who would even care what goes on in my head. Here I go...
I read my sisters blog tonight and many of her comments hit me, but one made me relize I need to get my heart in a better place. I have NOT been dealing with a lot in my life. I seem to be using one thing after another to mask the last thought. I lost my mother almost 8 years ago and I still cry as I type that. I LOST her! I left one day and when I returned she was gone!!! My soul knows right where she is as well as the sweet cousin that left us only months ago. My heart and mind on the other hand still have so much pain.
Wow, I do not know where that came from seeing my idea was to start with the thought on my most recent loss. I guess it just needed to come out! Like I said "I am not sure how this will work."
I have lost loved ones in my life starting with my Grandfather. To me it is a big list but I know many have lost more. I need to do this...
11y/o Grandpa P
21y/o Mother (best friend)
22y/o Pumpkin (dog best friend)
26y/o Baby (miscarriage)
28y/o Grandma B
28y/o Grandpa B
29y/o Hunter (dog/baby)
29y/o Laurie B
Is it just me or do you lose more loved ones in a short period of time as you age?